...with love all things are possible


Believe ...

Believe ...

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

The DragonWagon's Mum - Part 4

Days 5 - 7



My last "official" sighting outside Calvary


          Day 5 - Carlos had driven me to school earlier that Thursday, because my car had had to go into the shop.  So he came to pick me up after 5 o’clock.  I had some boring errands to run so he chose to wait in the car.  That’s when somehow he missed that call.  He’d missed that call?  We were driving homeward and he excited and I desperate – talking but not communicating.  For the life of me I couldn’t understand why Christian would hang up the phone and not tell his father where he was.  I couldn’t fathom why Carlos wouldn’t ask him! 
            “But ... it was a voicemail!” Carlos exclaimed at last.
“What? Oh, duh!”  I slapped my forehead, “No wonder, I wasn’t getting it.  So when did he leave it?”
“When you were in the store,” Carlos said, “I don’t know why my phone didn’t ring.”
“Just now?” I squeaked, “Why didn’t you call back?” my heart was poun  My crazed mother-hands want to smack his calm-Vcop-attitude.
ding in my ears.
“I did, but they told me he wasn’t there any more.”
“Where? How? Who?” I sputter.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know where you called?”
“No, I just called back.”
“You didn’t ask?”
“I think they said the name, but I didn’t understand.”
“Argh!” I’m frustrated but excited too, “So why are we just driving home?  Don’t you think we should go?  Find him, I mean? We’re the support team!   Don’t you think if he’s blown out a tire or something, we should get up there and help?”
“Yes,” he paused, never rushing into anything, “But how do we know where he is?”
“I don’t know,” but I have faith, enormous faith, “He’s got to be somewhere near Narcoossee Road on 192, right?” I’m scouring the map in my head with all my yellow pins on it knowing that we’d agreed to meet on the weekend somewhere in that neighborhood.
“Yeah.” Carlos replied. “So, you think we should go up or should we wait?”
“Go! Go! Go!  Turn around right here and get on the highway,” I’m jumping up and down in my seat.  Why am I not the driver?  Why am I not in charge of this rescue mission?  He’s moving like molasses to me and I could probably jump out of the car, run around it and jump in the driver’s seat before he’d realized what had happened.  But that’ him and this is me, yet another testament to why we get on so well and why we fight so much.  We’re about as different as a bed and a chair.
“You think so?” he actually begins to slow down the car.
“Yes!” I wail, “Turn, turn here!" I almost want to tug the  I point.
At last we’re on the I-95 headed North and getting our ducks in a row.
His call came from a number.  Hah, of course it did, but whose number?  Who cared? We’d figure this out, but the important thing was that we were reducing the distance between him and us.
Then came iron-man’s confession.  As we turned onto 192 and into the late afternoon sun (very reminiscent of my drive only a few days prior) Carlos confessed he’d just driven up this road before picking me up at school.
“What? Today?”
He looked a little sheepish as he nodded. He’d driven all the way to Narcoossee Road, but not seen anything.
“So you had a premonition then?” I gasped.
“Yeah, maybe I did,” he shrugged.  “But I didn’t find him.”
He must’ve had a premonition because it was right around the time Christian was struggling with the wretched wheels. 
“Wow.  That’s amazing.  We definitely have to find him then.” We were chewing up the miles by the time I called that number, steeling myself to speak to some grumpy clerk or foreigner.  It was a rowdy line when the man answered the phone.  I couldn’t understand the name of the place.
“Excuse me? Who am I speaking to?”
“This is the Cozy Corner.”
“Oh, hello.  Is that a convenience store?”
“No, ma’am, we’re a bar.”
“Ah, I see.  I just got a phone call from my son, who borrowed your phone…”
“Oh, yeah!  The walker?” I could hear the smile in is voice.
“Yes!” I beamed, “That’s the one.  He left without telling us where he would be, would you happen to know where he went?”
“I sure do…” and the angel gave me precise directions of how and where to find Christian.

Carlos and I grinned.  My eyes flicked heavenward as I shot up one of my many gratitude arrows. Two agnostics and one Christian.  I’m the Christian.  You get to work out the other two.  It gets confusing because Christian is not Christian, but he's attracting all the angels. Carlos, on the other hand, wears wear a cross around his neck (and has done since the very first time I met him 35 years ago!)

My excitement mounted the closer we got; I couldn’t wait to see him and hear how it’d gone.  Did he manage to overcome the obstacles that no doubt had been thrown in his path? Had he enjoyed his alone time?  What did he think about when he walked and walked?
At last the sign for the Colonial Inn appeared, directly across the road from a field of cows.  Old, tired, but someone had been kind enough to paint over its wrinkles.

Rat-a-tat-tat-tattat!  I rapped on the door of Number 2 as Carlos pulled up and when Christian threw open the door, the first thing he saw was the red Mazda.
Christian whooped, Carlos honked, I hooted.  You’d think we hadn’t seen him for months.  It was a magic moment.  Who knows what we all said as we hugged, and hollered, and carried on.  It was a rowdy few minutes with the three of us chattering at once.

50 some miles later - tires totally ruined


“The FOUR tires collapsed,” he told us as he led us into his room.  There was the DragonWagon looking slain, lying on its side, wheel-less.  It was a horrific sight, each wheel worse than the previous.  One flat, two chewed down to the strings and inner tubes, one missing its ball bearings … a sad, sad sight.  But ... there were two new ones on the Wagon?  Huh?
“What about these?” I pointed.
“Ah, well, there’s the story,” Christian said and went on to tell us about Deputy McCue, from the Osceola Sheriff's Department, who stopped on the side of the road, to check Christian out.  After all, he does look rather shifty!
How does the only person who stops on the highway just happen to have two whole wheels of this exact type of wagon?  This is not your typical wagon, y’know. 
“Sit tight,” he’d said to Christian (who had nothing else to do but sit tight with this wheel-less wagon), and turned up some time later with two brand new wheels.  The perfect size.  The perfect fit.

I’m sitting on the couch watching Christian recount his tale and I’m looking at the wheels, the old and the new.  A rush of gratitude overtakes me.  More arrows heavenward. There is good everywhere, there really is good everywhere.  In a world that has become so corrupt with never-ending bad news, frantic headlines, bleeding articles, it’s such a relief to see that good is out there still.

We offered to bring Christian home to make the necessary repairs and return him to this same location.  But he chose to stay.  Incredibly, right between Christian’s motel in the middle of nowhere and the Cozy Corner there was a U-Haul rental store that was able to order him a couple of new tires.  

So … who do you think is on his side?





Sunday, 2 November 2014

The DragonWagon's Mum - Part 3



Day 1 - 5


These are his shoes...


Blow-out!  We got a voice mail from Christian on day 5 saying he’d had a “problem” with his four tires but that he wasn’t going to be at the number he was calling from.  There was no mention of where he was nor what his plan was.

“But he’s fine!  He’s alive!” Those are the first thoughts that rush to my mind.  “He’s alive.”

***

When Christian was out in Iraq with the Army in ’05, we would go weeks and months without hearing from him, and while it was worrying, of course, somehow we always knew “no news was good news.”  The Army had multiple ways of contacting us if needed. 

This adventure, however, is totally different for me. It’s requiring a faith of a completely different magnitude, because (God forbid,) if something happens to him, there is no grapevine that can get us a message since he cancelled his phone.  Possible scenarios have flashed intermittently through my mind, until I can bring the devilish thoughts under control again.  After all, he’s a man!  My father told me so, without mincing his words, back in ’04 when Christian was called up to serve. I refuse to contemplate any more horrific scenarios.  I have turned over my son into God’s hands. 

So the problem with writing this blog today, is that I should have written it three days ago.  Before I’d heard his message.  Because I am now writing from a place of ease and comfort.

You can read Christian's own account here as I won’t go into any of those details, because, of course, that’s his story.  I’m just going to tell you what happens to me.  Because that’s my story.

***

Before the phone call, before my moment of ease and comfort, was Day 1.  Throughout the scorching afternoon, (see The DragonWagon’s Mum Part 2) I couldn’t help pinning yellow tacks on the map in my head. How far? Blisters? Any other angels?  At my event, we stood at long tables handing out water and hot dogs to thousands of people from four to seven pm, with no shade and staring directly west.  West into the sun.  West in the direction Christian was headed. 

So by the time I flopped into my car, burned to a crisp, my mind was racing, you know it was. Home? Or west? Home or west? I stopped at the traffic light at the parking lot exit, my mind in a screaming debate.  A left turn would take me home and a right turn would lead me to 192.

It had only been four hours since I’d seen him.  But there was something about that look in his eyes, something about that walk down the road from our house, something about something … that I wasn’t entirely sure about. A mother-thing. I needed to know, so when the light turned green, I jumped out of the left-turn lane and turned right.

         I didn’t spot him for the longest time.  He’d walked much farther than I’d expected, or maybe it was that second-to-second agony of looking and fearing I’d missed him.  How far would I drive before I turned back and started again?  Would I then get out and beat the bushes to try and find his campsite?  I hoped I wouldn’t stoop so low, but I don’t know…

When I caught sight of him, my heart wobbled – there he was and there he was, a lone figure in the wilderness of an dying autumn evening… I slowed to a crawl and battled my colliding instincts.  He hadn’t seen me creep up from behind because he was on the opposite side of the road, facing oncoming traffic.





        I wished I'd taken a better movie, but I guess I wasn't focused on the technicalities.  By the time he was level with the only tree for miles, the camera wasn't picking him up. I could stop right there and let him walk on, or I could intercept him.   It wasn’t that I didn’t think he could make it, quite the contrary!  He’s an amazing man who’s accomplished some extraordinary things, so clearly this was more about me, right?
I decided to intercept him.  Give him a last Hoorah.  I think I needed to make sure that the degree of sadness I’d seen in the back of his eyes as he’d left the house and later the event, had passed.  I needed to be convinced that he was convinced.

We said hello and I touched his arm, it was clammy.  “You’re freezing,” I gasped, pointing out the obvious.
“Nah, I’m warm,” he smiled.
“You looked so lonely out here.”
“Not lonely, Mum.  Alone maybe, but not lonely.”
At that moment I looked deep into his eyes and I knew.  He’d done it.  He was focused and contented now.  My heart sighed with relief, the adventure was really beginning for him and for me.
“When are you stopping for the night?”
“Not sure.  I wanted to make it to the stream, but I don’t know how much further I’ve got left.  I’m sensing there’s water up ahead,” he jutted west with his chin.
The sun had slipped behind the horizon and I didn’t want to keep him any longer.  Yes, my phone app showed him he was only a short distance from the stream.  I had to let him go.

Do our kids get bored of us telling them how proud we are of them?  Is there a limit to how many times we tell them we love them before they choke on the repetitiveness of it?  I don’t know.  I wasn't ready to find out just then.
“I love you, Wister-man, I’m so proud of what you’re doing.”
“Thanks. I love you too, Mum.”
“Off you go then,” I beam at him and we wave as he strides off.

Yeah, he’s going to be OK.








Thursday, 30 October 2014

The DragonWagon's Mum - Part 2

"Must have" items on a world-walk!


            As I calculate 10 miles a day, I pin shiny little yellow tacks onto my mental roadmap from Palm Bay, Florida, to Orlando via SR 192.  It’s a four-lane highway that takes a daily beating as cars, trucks, vans and semi’s hurtle their way towards St. Cloud and Kissimmee to the West and Melbourne to the East.  However, the first 40 miles of SR 192, West of I-95, are very barren.  Cows, pasture and palm trees are all the excitement to be had, unless you count the vehicles flying past.
            As part of our deal on this trial run to Orlando, as he irons out kinks in his trip, Christian has promised to call us or send smoke signal by Friday so we might track him down on Saturday (Day 6.)  So day by day I pin yellow tacks inside my head - sometimes there's a LOT OF TACKS.  Where does he pitch his tent?  Do trucks throw up stones and rocks as they hurtle by him?  Is his water tank leaking?

DAY 1 – The DragonWagon rolled away at 2pm on a fantastic sunny afternoon, headed north on Minton Road towards Melbourne, FL.  I happened to have an event that very afternoon, at school – which is located (coincidentally) on Minton Road in Melbourne. I’m not sure how it turned out this way, but Christian would still be walking up that street when I was due to be at school. 
What to do?  What would you do?  Would you take another road?  Would you drive past him and way, casual-like?  Ignore him?  All these questions knocked around inside my head, until I made my decision.  I would take my normal way to school.  Up Minton Road. 
There he was, calm as ever, walking along at his casual-stride, the DragonWagon faithfully following behind.  Yeah, I got a lump in my throat and then I punched myself mentally.  Seriously?  He’d only been gone an hour … For goodness sake!  I slowed down, pulled out the phone to take a snapshot.  No, no, I’ll shoot a little movie.  Wanted to see him moving along, doing his thing and then I saw him … holding something.  What?  A paper wrapper.  Eating the milanesas already?  My car slowed to a crawl and that’s when I saw the tell-tale McD wrapper. 



My heart plummeted.  Already?  He'd stopped to get McD’s less than an hour into the trip?  What kind of a trip was this?  Questions started piling one on top of the other inside my head before I’d even stopped the car completely.
“Hi!” he grinned through a mouthful, “whatcha doing here?”
“Hi, on my way to school.  I was going to suggest that you stop off and for hot dogs, but I see you’re …” I point to the offensive wrapper.
“OMG, you have no idea what happened, Mum.”


In the next twenty seconds, I was put to shame.  What was even worse is that the voice that comes out of my mouth is so fake … I was blown away by Christian’s story, and Sheridan’s actions that’s for sure, but in the same breath I hate myself for thinking all those earlier thoughts.
Oh, Christian, I’m sorry.  What a rotten mother.

When I got to school, I retold the story - adding one or two of my ugly thoughts in a feeble attempt to make amends ... or did I do it to make it more colorful? 
One of the teachers clapped her hand over her mouth and gasped,
"I saw it happen! I was driving along and I saw this man get out of a car and give something to the walker with the wagon."
What a small world.  We were all in shock and more so later on when two other people witnessed the event. I'm sure we're going to find out one day who Sheridan was and we're going to be able to thank him personally for being the first kindness on Christian's road on Sunday, October 26th, 2014. 
The event is 20,000 people strong every single one of them is dressed up for a pre-Halloween party and the line is wrapped around the block so Christian doesn’t even get a second glance, although many of my co-workers clapped loudly as he walked toward our table and they cheered as he set off again.  We hugged one last time and I filmed him as he melted into the crowd.




As I turned, I got some grit in my eyes.

Monday, 27 October 2014

The DragonWagon's Mum





He left today; hitched up the DragonWagon and walked off.  “You’ll write your blog, won’t you, Mum?” he called without pausing.

Life is full of tests and surprises.  As we carelessly move from one day to another, reading books, talking to friends, living a day at a time and trying to get to the next without spilling too much or getting too creased, we never imagine the possible surprises that lurk just around the corner. In films there is a skillful musical underscore that helps the viewer along with the plot – tinkling, incidental music when everything is going well; ominous, foreboding music when something unexpected is about to happen, a foreshadowing of sorts. But in life?  There’s no music, there’s no script and there’s no rewind.  You take it as it comes: on the chin, on the head, or in the heart – and there definitely is no PAUSE button.

Christian’s decision to walk out of society as we know it today, didn’t altogether surprise me – in fact I often wondered why he hadn’t done it sooner.  He'd done it in little bursts, sometimes by not calling or texting for weeks on end; sometimes by going off and spending a weekend in the woods, camping and living in the wild, doing what he does there.  But this choice, this time it was the real thing.  If you haven’t read his blog, The DragonWagon, have a read and know that he hasn’t even read Henry David Thoreau yet. 

One by one he got rid of his worldly possessions:
Apartment
     Address
          Furniture

I shivered a little.  There’s a time for talk and a time for action … and my feelings were all muddled up in the middle.  After some couch-surfing with friends in Orlando, he came to live with us for a few weeks before setting sail.  What bliss.  That was like a balm any parent can understand.  Long, lazy weekend lunches, peaceful evening dinners followed by card games, discussion and walks in the dark after the heat of the day had burned off.  Deep conversations, the ones you always mean to have, but never do, because life just pushes you on without them. 

Then went the:
            Car
                        His credit cards
                            His telephone

The phone was the pivotal moment for me.  When the phone was gone there was a ring of truth to the whole adventure.  He and I talked about its meaning more and more, dodging and diving, touching the raw parts, then backing off ever so slightly.  There’s a part of me that sometimes didn’t want to speak and share these amazing, intimate moments, because my frail human self kept wondering “What if? What if?”  Shame on me.  Where was my faith?  A day-by-day alignment of my feelings and especially my ego to bring my encroaching fear in check.

Fear, that evil, corroding fabric shot through me like an icicle.  If I gave in, it would stick to me like a tick on a hot day.  That was NO way to live!  I’ve rescued a four-year old Christian from the bottom of a pool, purple and asphyxiated, breathed life back into him, then put him back in the same pool 48 hours later to overcome his fear.  Cheered him on ten years later when he joined the school swim team.  Propped him up when no one understood his passionate dislike of rugby and football (soccer to my American friends;) watched him go off to high school, college then war. Fear. War. Wasn't that a team game? A mere boy of 18 off to war – skinnier than the massive gun he was carrying – but he there he stood, weapon in hand, a soldier.

My heart bursts with pride when, now, ten years later, I watch him take charge of his life, on his own terms, walking out on society in search of that “thing” that eludes so many.  Some think it’s madness, others say foolish – but I believe it’s the truest thing he’s done for himself in a long, long time.  Yes, he’s climbed rock walls, jumped out of perfectly good airplanes and risked his life in a number of hair-raising adventures and pranks.  He's worked through College and gone straight into a crippling 12-18 hour-a-day job, six and sometimes seven days a week (read his own account here.) But those adventures were all crumbs compared to this one.  

I am his greatest champion and have been from the start, whether his journey lasts two days, a week or years, Shakespeare said it best, "to thine own self be true." Despite my occasional fears and motherly foolishness, I relish his adventure. His laughter booms in my ear as I sit here in the dark, having just come in from an evening walk around the neighborhood, wondering if he also saw the fingernail moon. I sit here, ashamed that I didn't write this blog yesterday.  I tried, but I was too raw.  I tried but I wanted to curtain my emotions.  I tried but I chose to hide. Why do we hide our pain? Why do we couch the truth? Tonight I wondered if his fire was lit and if he'd had enough to eat when I realized I needed to write this.

Three minutes without air.
Three days without water.
Three weeks without food.

We both knew that drill. We rehearsed the three-by-three conversation as we walked together in the dark and in the dappled shade, neither looking into the other's eye but knowing full well what we were discussing.

“You’ll write your blog, won’t you, Mum?” he called without pausing. 
We'd spoken about the blog too, about my agony versus his joy, the hilarity of my worried blog versus his bliss-filled blog.  “Of course I will.” I responded, begging my voice not to break.
“Awesome!” I could hear his grin.  “I love you, Mum,” Christian cheered and punched the air with the long snake-stick my Dad had brought him from England so many years ago after his horrible encounter with the snake in the lake ... but that's another story altogether.
“I love you, Christian,” I called out, but was a bit of a whisper as I watched him walk out of our lives toward his adventure in that inimitable style that only he could pull off: calm and determined; but with a twinkle in his eye.



Saturday, 2 August 2014

Who's the guest?






Who’s the guest?

Who’s the guest?
Summer storms 
Blowing dandelion seeds and
Chasing ribbon wrapped
chocolate clouds across the
Dark horizon.

Who’s the guest?
Lipstick, dipstick,
Bananas and gold croutons.
A perfect sand dollar
And long,
Long brown legs.

Who’s the guest?
A dish of caviar?
A warm baguette?
A new moon or
The circle around a
Fat summer moon?

Who’s the guest?
Ding-dong, ding-dong
What would you like
Some aquamarine silk
or maybe a song?
Music notes plucked
From her ear for
You.

Hush, Mummy … Hush
Don’t worry about the guest;
Her sense of not belonging
Furrows across her face
A taste of fear
Fills the air
As she wrings her hands
Tears welling at the tip of
Her bottom eyelids.

Who was with her
When that happened?
The chirpy cuckoo clock?
The lady who doesn’t know her name
Or was it you?

Did you see her cry
As her heart broke?
As her confidence crumbled?
Did your heart break too?
Did you care or just shrug and
Say “Meh, she won’t remember this
Tomorrow?”
Were you the guest?

I sit and rub her
Wringing hands
Caressing them, left first
Then right then left again.
She sighs, confused yet
Aware some pressure is gone;
I am the guest right now
And it is Love
I bring.

No questions nor surprises;
No things that I like,
Nor images of my world.
It is
Love
I bring
In its entire 
Largess.

I am the guest today.
A daughter willing to pass
Unrecognized by
Her own mother.
Calming and loving as I
Sooth her wringing hands,
With a lotion of lemon-grass,
Over and over and over.
Soothing her soul
With a complete portion of Love.
Over and over and over.
Over and
over 
again.



Saturday, 19 July 2014

Let love







Let love

(For us)
     By Cath Rathbone

Focus not
On what she’s lost
But love
What she has left.

Look not
At how her clothes
Are stained
But that she still can eat.

Step down
And look her in the eye
Connect with
What’s inside;

Less judging
Of what used to be
Will open
Up your heart.

Love’s patient, kind and healing,
Love softens and outlives;
Lean into Love, release your fear
Let Love acceptance be.

Accept her
Light is going out,
Accept she’s
Going back;

Accept that
She is different now
And ne’er
The same shall be.

Relax and
Put your stuff away;
Your rules,
Your phone, your life.

Sit quiet
And let her set the pace
Enjoy her
For her while.

Love’s patient, kind and healing,
Love softens and outlives;
Lean into Love, release your fear
Let Love acceptance be.

Love her
Who precious gift gave you,
The life
Which you now have;

Love her
Who loved you hour by hour,
None which
You can recall.

Love her
with all your heart and strength
Love for
The both of you;

Love her
With everything you have
She's waiting
In that place.

Lean into Love, release your fear
Lean into Love right now.
Lean in Love and cherish her
Let Love acceptance be.








Sunday, 13 July 2014

You're Still Leaving


You're Still Leaving



I wasn’t ready as you began to leave, Mum,
When those awful bony fingers
Began plucking out your abilities,
Your memories, and your character
Taking them one by one by one.

As if to taunt me, they’d replace one
For a minute, or two, or ten…
But then the pickers would pluck them back
Again, without a care; and
Take them one by one by one.

I prayed I could cope with it daily;
Accepting the snatchers would snatch
Again, reaching into your sacred bank
Of treasured moments, and
Take them, one by one by one.

I read and searched like Dad had shown me.
Learning everything I could, so I might be
Prepared, Mum.  Prepared for what? For my
Inability to stop the thief stealing you?
As it took you one by one by one.

The crazy thing is you’re still leaving, Mum.
The grifter telling its sneaky story, selling its ugly lie
That you’re still here but the thief waits by your side to
Plunder, pillage, rob.  You regress as they grow bold,
Taking you, one by one by one.

Where do you go? To Heaven, I bet, Mum
Like a slow version of Star Trek’s
Beaming station – and at the other end, Dad
And Grampie and Mizzy are collecting them
As they arrive, one by one by one

I’m accepting and without expectation today,
After 11 months apart, your face though older’ll
Be the same – the you I knew, will not.
Alzheimer’s, that thief, has done its job
Taking you one by one by one.

I’ll hold your hands, I’ll rub your feet,
And hug you make you laugh – then hold
Your face in both my hands, til eyes
Locked tight, I reach the well of untouchable
Love, Mum, and refill it, one by one by one.

For in the end it’s all that’s left, all that
Matters and all that mattered.  Love. 
You can’t make it, you can’t fake it and
The swindler Alzheimer’s cannot shake it.
I’ll love you for us both, Mum. One by one by one.

By Cath Rathbone